I was a man that couldn't be in love, as I still don't know
what true love is. Was I heartless? Or is there a space left to be filled? What
was the definition of romance? I picked the roses not for her but for another,
as the latter was the inspiration in my life. My mother was my everything. She
was jealous of this, I was seduced by her, and she acted as my temptress as she
was forever in the forefront of my mind.
I couldn't get everything I wanted out of her. I want now to
forget about her so I can finally be free. I think I loved her; I was
intoxicated with every new thought. Let me confide something in whoever is
reading this, sometimes when she wore a particular red dress, I can admit she
made my hair stand on end. I always questioned her "why you silent when
many say that you talk?" She was always the silent girl within the class;
it seemed to everyone that she was lost for words.
She was shy but I could see her worth, I knew she was
smarter than that. I remember saying
" you gonna make me think I'm crazy please talk, say something so I
can openly admit my love, why can’t you muster a reply, where’s the
appreciation for everything that I have done for you." I remember the hard
work and long hours I put in for her, I get it now sadly, and she used me like
she used many others. I was just another conquest, another victim forever love
struck with all roads leading to heartbreak.
As I retail my story let’s take it back and take a leaf from
the story of eve, the Garden of Eden, the creation. How I wished one day to
start a family , wished for a boy or girl that looked up to me as a role model,
to be given a new name dad, as my birth name would be no more. I hoped to be
given a new purpose within life, as it required me living and breathing for
another. That's true love in my eyes, let me be the first one to admit, I was
blind preoccupied by getting ahead chasing the tails of the girls, the same girls
who bit back to crush the souls of the weak funny enough.
Let me note down what I have really accomplished in this
life now. I left everything to chance, you could say I flipped a coin every day,
I still get the feeling that me and her thought a like. I used to walk in the
snow for her, I used to be woken in the early hours for her, even said at one
point of my life she was above everything, cut off everyone around me. In my
old age as death awaits me I can realize now I was so naive to think she could
have satisfied me.
I actually now think she didn't hold all the answers, but she’s
made me a better man. I can now use the relationship I once had as a learning
curve, but god damn she had a figure in her heyday. She’s no longer my number one;
she can be just another number searching for value. The care worker is about to
bring in my afternoon meal, so finally the chase is over, she cost me
everything, she distracted me from what was really important. I had family and
friends and that's something no money could have never bought. The way of the
world taught me when she called, I should answer. As I lived in hope for a
better life....but I hope I can show to whoever who’s reading this that money
doesn't necessarily guarantee happiness...
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